Exed
by searchingforsanity
Summary: When Ami broke up with her ex, she didn't expect him to flip out and become an evil entity bent on destroying first his hometown, then the world. She also didn't count on cute interference when she tried to stop him. A series of semi nonlinear drabbles
1. Coffee

Ami stared at her cup of coffee and _willed_ it to change from decaf to regular. Whose idea was it to decaffeinate coffee in the first place? It was like those cigarettes they'd try to sell a while back, the ones without the nicotine. It was like sugar free caramel. It was like cocoa without marshmallows. Coffee without caffeine just totally missed the point of its own existence. So why, then, had Serena's new secretary mistakenly purchased it?

If anyone managed to catch the woman (she'd wisely gone to ground as soon as she'd realized her grave, grave error) she would undoubtedly be subjected to punishment usually reserved only for mass murderers and puppy kickers. Ami herself would love to subject her to a very, very frosty Aqua Rhapsody.

But, diverting thoughts of the painful demise of incompetent underlings aside, the fact was Ami was left at her desk at 8:00 on a Wednesday morning with tons and tons of challenging, interesting work and absolutely no chemical means of motivation. Normally, this would be no problem as Ami typically enjoyed both mornings (once she managed to tear herself away from her bed) and challenging work. Unfortunately, the majority of the previous evening had been spent trying to capture her (psychotic) (ex) boyfriend and return him (bound and beaten) to (the psych ward of) Crystal Tokyo. All this while trying to avoid _both_ whatever youma he had conjured _and_ the local authorities.

Ah, the authorities. She couldn't say that they didn't try. And in a normal situation they would be very efficacious. However, despite sharing the same goals of prevention and detainment of villains, they unfortunately lacked any realistic ability to assist her. The peacekeepers had sparkly gadgets in abundance but, sadly, no magical superpowers. This, coupled with their determination to maim _her_, turned the generally helpful authorities into giant pains in her ass.

Ami blearily eyed her coffee and decided that, yes, these so-called Generals were going on her shit list. They would be good company for the Decaf Woman.


	2. Poor

Poor, sweet Usagi. She had started out as an immature, bratty teenager and had matured into a responsible and regal ruler of a nation. She had overcome many enemies and had bravely faced the death of not only her close friends and lover but the entire galaxy. She had become able to bear with grace the responsibility of a jewel that contains within it the power to destroy just about everything. And yet still, _still_ it seemed she couldn't do anything right.

It really wasn't her fault, specifically, that Ami's ex went completely bananas and embraced the "dark side." Ami was the one who broke up with him. At worst, it could be considered a group effort.

So, okay, maybe the young queen had called Ami a lot for advice on stuff. Maybe she'd ruined a date or two or five when emergencies came up. But that was part of the senshi life. If you dated a senshi, those were the risks you took. It wasn't like their identities were really secret any more. If Todd couldn't understand his girlfriend's lifestyle, then he didn't deserve her.

So…maybe she and the other girls had played a few tricks on him when he had made Ami feel like dirt for performing her duty. Maybe she herself had organized a couple public depantsings. That one time with that girl and the fountain and the hamster, however, was a complete, if memorable, accident.

Anyone would've done the same. Honest.

Who could have predicted that he wouldn't take serial public humiliation like a man?

Neo Queen Serenity observed the wreckage that was her city and sighed.

Who dates a guy named Todd Teacozy, anyway?


	3. Cincinnati

it's up, if slightly unedited! comments, accolades, and not-mean criticism welcome! thanks for reviewing so far, gang!

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If the world was going to hell (and Xan was reasonable sure it was) then Cincinnati would have to be its seventh ring. Though, to be completely fair to the Queen City of the West, the recent problems were for once not caused by politicians squabbling over money or by a losing sports team. Not even race riots could be blamed. No, the destruction of the beautiful (and recently remodeled) Fountain Square had been done by a force far different from Cinci's usual afflictions. The pestilence currently plaguing the city was decidedly foreign.

God damn magic.

_Magic. _Xan couldn't help but feel a tinge of bitterness at the word. He hated the stuff and the stuff hated him. He took this attack on his hometown as personal. Though when he mentioned magic's possible vendetta to Nate he was met with only a scoff and a terse statement to the effect that while magic did break all the laws of physics (laws which Xan happened to hold in very high regard) it was hardly sentient and therefore held no personal grudges against anyone; least of all some crazy American blond dude.

Xan supposed that this was a fair point, as, up until the moment some crazy asshole in a stupid hat showed up ranting and blasting the hell out of Fountain Square, magic had been pretty much remained the territory of the Japanese. And since he held no ties to that country whatsoever, his direct acquaintance with magic could not possibly have been long enough to cause any extreme form of enmity. Probably. If magic could feel. Which was doubtful. But even if it couldn't, _he_ certainly had feelings. And right now they were of intense hatred toward magic.

Though their direct acquaintance hadn't been for long (in all honesty, he'd only been gaping in the Square for about twenty minutes now) he'd know _of_ magic for years. Ever since it and those damn freaky sailor-suited women rose up and started ruling Japan. Oh, his mistake, since they started ruling _Crystal_ Japan.

He couldn't read Japanese and he didn't really believe what the American newsmen reported so he wasn't really up on the whole story, but what he did know was this: one day, the world went to bed and woke up with the whole of Japan covered in some strange crystal-ice amalgam. Two days after that, the country woke up and there was an announcement sent all over the world explaining a) magic existed, b) no really, it existed, see? and c) by the way, Japan has been renamed and is now happily ruled by small women with weird hair and short skirts; all previous alliances had been voided and entirely new trading and military contracts had to be renegotiated. Thanks bunches.

The world had been in shock…for about a millisecond, and when the final reactions came in, they went about four ways:

1. Forceful condemnation of the heathen witches (religion)

2. Being pissed off at the possible loss of lucrative trade (U.S. government)

3. Trying to immigrate to Japan and worship the rulers and gods (um, weirdoes)

4. Hating magic because it ruined your stable world view and put at risk your livelihood as part of a crack military investigation team (Xander)

Yes, magic had messed with his source of income (not to mention idea of reality) and now it was messing with his city. Stupid Hat Man was totally going down. That freak may have been magical but he had never dealt with a pissed off General.


	4. Hello

this fic just keeps getting sillier. oh, well. enjoy!

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"Hello? Eh? Oh, moshi-moshi Mako-chan! How are-"

…

"No, I'm fine. Listen, I'm kind of busy at the moment. And no, still no luck with catching-"

…

"You know, he was a completer jerk and all but I still don't think 'Dick Face' is a very nice name."

…

"Neither is 'Small Cox'."

…

"You haven't even _seen_ his…how can you compare? It's not that small."

…

"What do you mean, 'does that mean I've seen more than one'? I don't have to answer that! The size of his…No! It's irrelevant! Especially now when I'm..."

…

"Mako, get Minako off the phone. Please."

…

"Thank you. Apology accepted."

…

"No, I don't know how she does that either. Any vague reference to, you know, um…right. And she just _shows up_."

…

"Get off the phone, Mina-chan. We were talking about _you_ and your fascination with certain topics not those certain topics. How did we even get on that anyway?"

…

"Oh, right. So, anyway. No, I haven't had any luck with catching the jerk. I did manage an analysis on his powers just now, though, but I can't seem to pinpoint where they are coming from exactly…"

…

"No, they probably _don't_ stem from his ultimate jackassness. Minako, I _told _you to stay off…oh, fine…just don't say much. I'm pretty busy at the moment and I can't afford to be distracted."

…

"_Of course_ you're worth it…"

…

…

…

"Yes, I love you, too. We're all friends forever and ever and ever. Promise."

…

"Mako, brilliant suggestion. Let's move on…What did you need?"

… ….

"What do you mean, 'have I talked to the Generals'?"

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"No, I _don't_ care if the red-headed one is hot. They've been really busy trying to kill me. We haven't had much time for conversation. So, no, I don't have any of their phone numbers."

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"And no, I will not get his number for you! You don't even speak English!"

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"Oh, now you're sounding like Minako!"

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"Of course that wasn't an insult, Mina-chan. But since you _obviously_ didn't call to analyze threat data with me and I have work to do...I should leave"

….

"I'm sorry but I think catching a psychopath is more important…"

…

"You did not just call me that."

…

"Fine, yes, I agree they're all adorable. Especially the curly-haired blond. Especially when they're not firing various weapons at me…oh, shit. I hate you guys. This is the last time I answer the phone while I'm running from the scene after a battle."

…

(muffled, in English) "Um, hi, guys. What nice…uniforms."

"I just may be able to get that phone number for you after all, Mako."

::dial tone::


End file.
